The ordeal is over but not before an unnamed Kiev resident received

a broken jaw, cracked ribs, and multiple neck wounds at the hands

of creditors. How much? He owed only about $1,000 US but that meant

little to his creditors who fed him grass and kept him chained naked

in a kennel for several months as revenge for his unpaid debts.

Fakty, the popular Kiev daily paper, reported the poor fellow

finally escaped and was picked up nude on the side of the road by

a astounded but brave motorist. The driver took the semi-consious fellow

to a nearby hospital where he was treated for his mutltiple wounds.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping so he sees his doctor about

the problem and says, "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night!"

"Well," suggests his doctor, "Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem -- I make a mistake and spend the next six hours

trying to find it!"

Billy and Willy were twins, and for their 13th birthday, Willy got a bicycle

while Billy got a little portable radio...

Willy hopped up on his bike and went to town. . . On the way he sees the

Gerald's house on fire, firetrucks, the whole bit. He spins around and

peddles as fast as he could back home.

"Billy! Billy! Guess what? I saw a fire at old man Gerald's! There was fire

engines! Firemen! and EVERYTHING!!!"

Billy looks up and says, "Yeah, I know, I heard about it 10 minutes ago on

the news on my radio."

Willy scowls and jealously mutters, "You and your f****n' radio!" and storms

off, to go riding again.

In town he sees just about the most exciting thing ever! Police, sirens, and

all kinds of excitement, because the local bank had been robbed."

He races home as fast as he can, starts hollering before he's even

completely

in the door, "Billy! Billy! Guess what?"

Billy dryly interrupts with, "The bank was robbed?"

Willy scowls and storms off, muttering, "You and your f****n' radio!"

Well, this time he pedals clear through town, and out into the countryside

on the other side. . . a few miles up the road he sees a poor little pig

with its head stuck in a fence. He grins, parks the bike, climbs down the

bank, pulls his pants down and gives it to the porker.

Then he races as fast as he could all the way home...

"Billy! Billy! Guess what? I just had my first sexual experience!"

Billy looks up, dismisses Willy with a wave, "bah! In a pig's ass you did!"

"You and your f****n' radio!" mutters Willy, as he cycles off. . .

The phone rings at KGB headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this KGB?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbour Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the

State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the

shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no

diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.

The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.

"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"

"Yes."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yes, they did."

"Okay, now its your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

Cheech and his woman returned from their holiday and it's

obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other.

Cheech's best friend takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

"Well," replied Cheech "when we had finished making love on the

first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill

on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend.

"I'm sure your woman will get over it soon enough - she can't

expect you to have been saving yourself just for her all these

years!"

Cheech nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over

this though. She gave me $20 change!"

__________________

Martin asks his friend Robert how to impress girls on the beach,

and Rob suggests putting a potato into his swimtrunks. After

walking around for an hour he returns and says "Great idea,

the girls couldn't take their eyes off me."

"Told you," said Robert, "but next time drop it down the front

of your swimtrunks."

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and President Clinton all get

caught up in a tornado and finally land in the Emerald

City of Oz.

They are finally allowed to visit the great and powerful

wizard and Dan Quayle says "I've had a tough time

getting by in Washington and I think I'd like to have a

brain".

Newt Gingrich speaks next and says "I've heard all they

say about me and my conservative politics and I'd like

to have a heart."

President Clinton speaks last and says "I'll just take

Dorothy."